So tonight, I decided to finally get it over with, poured myself a nice adult beverage, and watch what is considered a modern schlock classic, that being 2017’s Wish Upon…
Wish Upon tells the story of Claire, a teenager reeling after the death of her mom. A social outcast at school, and her dad a dumpster diver, things do not look good for her. That it is until, as a birthday present, Claire’s dad gives her a Chinese music box. Eventually, Claire’s life magically takes a turn for the better. She inherits her Uncle August’s fortune, she becomes the most popular girl at school, and she starts dating the boy of her dreams. But here’s the catch: people start dying around her, and she realizes that this all coincides with the music box she received. Claire must now dispose of this box and get her life back to normal before more people die.
Now, here’s the thing. In many regards, this is a schlock classic. It is a god damn laugh riot and it is so astoundingly bad in many respects. But in one or two respects, it is merely just tripe garbage. The cinematography really just looks like every other trash horror movie that has come out this decade. A few shots here and there looked truly bad, but overall it was just barely mediocre. Further, the editing, while it had moments of baffling incompetence, was not irredeemable. They clearly knew how to do most basic things and it was mostly mediocre like the cinematography. But we ain’t here for that. Let’s get into what makes this SCHLOCK.
The script is so incredibly stupid. Nothing in this film makes sense. It breaks its own rules (unless I counted wrong, she made more wishes than the third act explicitly said it did), and the dialogue is fucking atrocious (YOU DIG ON MULTIVERSES?!; Ultimate Smegma; the list goes on). Further, they telegraph their nonsensical plot twists from a mile away. Like, I saw that Claire’s popular boyfriend was gonna be a creepy stalker the minute he snuck up on her locker. I also knew during the first minute of the movie that Claire’s mom had the box.
The characters and acting are absolutely insufferable. Claire is a dipshit, her friends are complete cunts (laughing at a girl who gets a fucking deadly skin disease, and calling people names that a 9 year old would come up with is not cool, and the movie wants us to sympathize with these people), everyone in the high school is a fucking caricature, and every person in this movie can barely act.
The death scenes in this movie were not scary at all. They were pretty much slapstick comedy. Claire’s death in particular was absolutely bonkers. Further, the film as a whole was not scary. Coupled with the slapstick deaths, you had cliche bullshit like false jump scares and obnoxious music stings.
The soundtrack in this film is fucking horrid. The blandest and worst pop music to ever be put into a film.
Overall, this is a hell of a good time. It’s a terrible god damn horror movie, and it was hilarious and entertaining. It’s not 100% incompetent, but 95% incompetent is still pretty fucking incompetent. If you’re in need of a bad movie to laugh at with your mates, throw this on. You will not be disappointed.
Ultimate Smegma out of 10 (More or less a 2)